sassyblink182chic's Xanga

"I am insecure and if you don't know this by now, I'm telling you the only way that I know how."

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:48:05 GMT

Alright, well, no beating around the bush.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled a couple of weeks ago, and I would say that I have been doing better since. The only times that I've gotten sick within the last two weeks is when my body reacted badly to the vicodin, and last weekend when I caught my aunt's terrible cold.

Therapy has been going pretty well and has helped me quite a bit. I no longer have suicidal thoughts. I have been in a much better mood lately. My therapist is talking about me graduating from the program soon. Then she says she's going to recommend me for individual therapy, which I really don't have a problem with.

My weekends are the greatest. Ethan comes to visit and when we spend time together, it's absolutely amazing. I am so happy when he is here. Of course, last weekend was so great that it kept me in a great mood all throughout this week, which is pretty amazing. Tonight was just... I can't even find the words to describe it. Ethan is just so amazing. I love him with all of my heart. I am such a lucky girl to have found a man like him.

My parents are back together and trying to work things out, I guess. Not much to say there, really.

*sigh* I can't wait for tomorrow. It feels like I've fallen in love all over again. I think not being together during the week has definitely made us miss each other much more and appreciate our time together more.

Quotes and then goodnight. =]

____________________________________________________________________________________
Quotes courtesy of wys_Quotography and SweetestSin_ox -- Should definitely check out both. They're great. =]

[1]
When it comes to love, you need not fall but rather surrender, surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly, you must accept yourself before you can accept flaws of another.

[2]
Even though a lot of things in my life are falling apart, im so happy <3

[3]
Maybe it's not my weekend,
But it's gonna be my year.
And I'm so sick of watching while the
minutes pass as I go nowhere.
And this is my reaction, to everything I fear,
Cause I've been going crazy, I don't want to
waste another minute here.

[4]
we could pack up and leave all our things behind.
no fact, or fiction, or storyline.
cause I need you more than just for tonight.

[5]
To this day, when everything else breaks
you are the anchor that holds me.

[6]
To be loved. To know that there is someone out there who would give their all to only be with you, someone more than willing to share their world with you. Someone who will take your hand and hold it, and never ever would they let it go, never would they want to let you go. Someone who holds you in their arms, someone who tells you he's holding his whole entire world there at that very moment. A person who will love you with their all. To love and be loved, that is something I wish for.

[7]
Do you ever wish you could just freeze one second and put it into a box, and jump into it and stay there forever?
I do right now. In fact, I do every time I'm with you.

[8]
You know what I want more than anything in the world right now? To talk to you, to be with you, this very instant. I want to sit across from you Indian style and look into your eyes and see for myself exactly how they change color in the light. I want to hold your hand in the palm of mine, and trace every line with my fingertips.

[9]
Every time, I think everything’s going really well. I mean, I try really hard - it all fucks up. And I think that maybe I’m just one of those people that doesn’t deserve to be happy.

[10]
I know the distance is a factor but I stretch as often as I can. My goal is to reach your hands any day now. Please don't blame me for trying to fix this one last time. I have a hard time as it is because I miss you, love.

[11]
It's there. I know it is. Because when I look at you, I can feel it.

[12]
Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes? Can I just feel your heart beating beside me, every night? Can we just feel this way together til the end of all time? Can I just spend my life with you?

[13]
How does it feel to know you're everything I need? The butterflies in my stomach, they could bring me to my knees. How does it feel to know you're everything I want? I've got a hard time saying this, so I'll sing it in a song. Oh I adore the way you carry yourself with the grace of a thousand angels overhead. I love the way the galaxy starts to melt, when we become one. How does it feel when we get locked into a stare? Please don't come looking for me when I get lost in the mess of your hair. How do you feel when everything you've known gets thrown aside? Never fear, my dear, cause we have nothing left to hide.
- "So Much", The Spill Canvas

[14]
It's times like these. A comfortable silence. Walking hand in hand with the one you love. Everything else disappears, all that's real is here and now. You feel complete. Like nobody else can touch you, nothing could ever come close enough to ruin this. It's times like these, you're on top of the world with someone who means everything to you. Times like these, they're worth keeping in your memory forever.
-mypaperairoplane

[15]

And at some point I’ll call you and tell you I miss you. And tell you, you are the point of my day. And my face will get flushed and my throat will choke up when you tell me that you feel the same.

"This letter's written itself inside out again."

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:06:16 GMT

Hmmm. It has been a really long time.

Well, the rest of my summer? I was depressed and suicidal. I suppose I shouldn't have expected less after leaving my parents once again. I was very eager and happy to be with Ethan once again. He ended up moving to Indy not long after I returned, and we faced another week apart.

Getting back into school was hard. Teachers started giving homework right off the bat. Not to mention, I have a lot of it. So school has been majorly stressful. Our financial situation has been also. I'm the only person with a car right now and probably will be until I move out. The only money I get is money for gas. I'm currently in search for a job, though in Kokomo, getting a job would be a miracle. It's amazing how I know plenty of potheads and alcoholics that have jobs, and I can't seem to get hired on anywhere. I make very good grades, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I volunteer. What is wrong with me that they won't hire me? Meh. It's stressful.

I am currently in therapy. After my last talk about suicide, Ethan told my parents and they told my aunt. They ended up coming up to visit that weekend, and to be honest, it didn't help much. Mom and dad were constantly fighting. Nat and Nate weren't around much. Miah and I did have fun with a little science experiment involving diet coke and mentos, though. It was fun. But, I've been going to therapy for a couple (or few?) weeks now. My therapists seem to love me. I figured out early that I don't need to hide my feelings there. I can talk about everything I'm going through. I'm not sure how it helps me, but it does. Maybe it's the fact that they ask me how I feel, give me some feedback and advice, and they show sympathy for me. I usually feel pretty good when I leave.

I've been getting sick a lot more lately. I don't know what it is. It's annoying, I know that much. I've missed quite a bit of school because of it. But I know what I had last week, and what I had last time were different things. Now, my teeth are causing me problems. Sylvia is supposed to make an appointment with a dentist for me, though.

My parents are splitting up. Neither of them is really upset about it, either. They both say that they haven't really been in love with each other for a while. Both seem to be happy about it. It kind of hurts. They say they stayed together for so long because of us kids. I really wonder if it would have been better if they had split sooner. They never seemed to get along.

Ethan and I had our two year anniversary on Friday. I went down to Indy and met him at work. Then he took me to his meeting for his other job, and I just kind of wandered around campus. Then we went back to his house and looked up restaurants because he decided he no longer could eat where planned (orthodontist put a new object in his mouth, making it difficult for him to chew). So we ate at this little cajun place and I loved it. It was a very small place, they had Styrofoam plates and cups and plastic silverware, but I didn't mind at all. The food was great and I liked how it was a small place and not one of those large fancy restaurants. I really enjoyed it. We went back to his house and he packed up to spend the weekend up here and we left. I drove on the interstate for the first time ever, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He spent a little time with me at my house before going to his mom's. He told me he had to get up early to help his stepdad out, and I jokingly told him he should come over after he was done with that and sleep with me and we could shower together when we got up. Well, he did that. It was really nice, though. I loved it. After our shower, we went to a reenactment with his parents and we watched a battle. Then we went back to my house and slept and hung out for a while. We got dinner and ice cream and he went to stay at his grandmas.

Today, I got up and got int he shower and everything. Then I was working on homework and had to run out and get my aunt something from the store. I got pissed at Ethan and decided to take a walk and ended up at the park. He texted me asking me where I was at and all that and eventually found me. He kept asking me why I was upset, and for a while I wouldn't tell him. I finally told him and we argued about it for a bit, and I saw that I wasn't really being fair. I can be mad at him when he isn't around, but when he is there physically with me, it's nearly impossible to be angry with him. I don't know how he does it. I told him that what we did until he decided to go back home was up to him, but that I had hoped to watch a movie together today. He said that he could go in half an hour or that he could stay and watch the movie and still avoid rush hour. I told him that it was completely up to him. We went back and forth like that for a bit. Then we went and rented Gladiator and watched it. He left for home after that. I feel bad for acting like such a baby and getting upset with him and everything. I also feel bad for him staying longer than he had planned, because I know if I hadn't whined about it, he wouldn't have stayed. But I was happy for the extra time we got together, and enjoyed watching the movie with him.

I won't see him again until Friday, which is normal now. I definitely miss him much more now since I don't see him as often. It will be this way for quite some time. We've talked about moving in together next summer because we'll be going to the same school. I'm really excited about all of that. I know it will be weird at first, but I adjust easily. This is something that I really want. I've been looking forward to living with him. But, if he changes his mind, then that is ok, too. I know that sometimes that can be a scary step for people.

But, it's one in the morning and I've got school tomorrow. No getting out of it this time. Missed too much last week. I really need to see that dentist though, because my mouth is killing me.

Goodnight!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 07:21:50 GMT

So, wow.

I'm in Alabama now. I will be until sometime in the first couple of days of July. Leaving Indiana behind was a bit harder than I believed it would be. The thought of being gone for a month. Of course, I was happy to get away from the demon children. Now, I can sleep in without being bothered. I can't really hang out with my friends (which I do, amazingly enough, have friends) until I get back. I'm away from everything that is familiar to me. Worst of all, I'm away from my boyfriend. It's only been a week since I left and we miss each other terribly.

We've been able to manage, though. Texting, IMing, web cam, phone calls. We had a problem last night, and well, I'm not going to say what it was. I've been trying to keep my mind off of it, because every time I think of it, it hurts more. I know that he had good intentions, and that he didn't mean to hurt me, but still. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Of course, it makes me extremely jealous. I don't know. I don't know if anyone could ever understand. It just completely took away my confidence and my self-esteem is really low. I just have to keep reminding myself the reasoning behind it, and hopefully, it will go away. If it had been any other guy, I would have dumped him right then and there without a second thought. That was how much it hurt me. But, Ethan is different from any other guy. I'd be lucky to find another guy that's nearly as amazing as he is. Everyone makes mistakes, and I just have to learn to accept it. Hopefully, nothing like it will ever occur again. It was quite amazing, though, that I was able to not let it get the best of me. I did not even want to talk to him. But, I did, and we're quite alright now. I just have to fix things within myself.

More than ever, though, I want to see him. Well, I want to do more than see him. But, those are things that I can't discuss on here, or anywhere for that matter. It's unbelievable that I miss him so much. I won't even see him for about 2 1/2 more weeks. Is it really 2 1/2? Somewhere around there. I counted 3 weeks from last Thursday, sooo. I wish that I could express how much I love this man. I really do. He is the most important thing in my life.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Tue, 05 May 2009 20:11:08 GMT

It has been a long time, hasn't it?

My time here actually hasn't been that bad. It's nearly summer now, which makes me happy. It seems like so much time has passed since last summer ended, and I can remember not being able to wait for school to start up again. It is funny how that works, isn't it? I am so ready for school to be out, and after a month of summer, I am ready to return to school again. Perhaps it will be that way when I have children, too.

This summer is going to be very different from previous summers. My parents live out of state, and Ethan is moving out of town. Of course, I am going to go visit my parents for a while during the summer. When I return, I'm going to be searching for a job. I would like to search and apply now, but since I am leaving for an extended period of time and I don't know exactly when I'm going to leave, it would be unwise to apply for work now. So, I will just wait until I return.

I had hoped to apply for a position at the zoo in Indianapolis this summer, but as I'm going to be gone for a while, I can't really do that, either. So today, I have to meet the women in charge of volunteers at the local animal shelter. I'm very excited about it. If there is one thing in my life that I am passionate about, it is animals.

I cut off ties with my friend Josh. I have no idea if I ever mentioned him on here, but I'm just letting everyone know that I'm not longer speaking with him. It was a hard thing to do, as he was once of my closest friends. However, his behavior and attitude toward me of late has done nothing but make me angry, and I will no longer deal with it. I don't have to. I was beginning to see the real Josh, and I didn't like what I found. I discovered that the person I thought I knew so well for the past year was a completely different person than I originally thought. Why are people so deceptive? I will never understand this. Obviously, I don't because I was just intent on being such a forgiving person. I suppose that I always put myself out there to get hurt by giving people more chances than they ever deserved. I'm done with that, though. I'm done forgiving.

Hell, I can't even find it in me to forgive Judy. And why should I? She has done nothing but caused trouble in my family for as long as I have been alive. Actually, longer. Quite honestly, I don't believe that she loves me. Sure, she said she did. I'm finding that awfully hard to believe with each passing day. She hasn't even attempted to contact me, and she has been spreading lies about me. Yes, I would love to have a grandmother in my life, but I am not about to fake a relationship with her. I'm not going to pretend that everything is okay with us.

I took the SAT on Saturday, and I am hoping that I scored well. I don't expect much, though.

There are a lot of things going on for me right now, and I will maybe tell more about them later, when I have more time. For now, I have to get out to the animal shelter.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:36:22 GMT

Exhausted.

I have a lot to say, but I'm so tired. But, I'll go into it anyway.

Last Friday I went to Indy with Ethan and RJ and had a lot of fun. We went to the mall and hung out there and then we went back to their house and just hung out. I left about ten-thirty and got home an hour later to find the door locked. Turns out, Judy went to all-night bingo with Naomi (who she was just talking so badly about earlier that day) and locked the door because she thought I had a key, even though we told her that I didn't. Well, I ended up going over to Sylvia's and finding out a bunch of stuff that she had been saying about me.

So, Judy and I got into it because my mom ended up calling and saying a bunch of stuff. We were still okay then, though. But the next night, we had another argument, in which I just exploded and told her everything that I felt about her. She couldn't take it, and she told me that I needed to move out.

So I packed up everything the next day and Ethan helped me move it over to Sylvia's. Then we ended up going over to RJ's house and hanging out there all night.

So, I've been here for a couple of days. It really isn't all that difficult to adjust to it. It's never really been hard for me to adjust to changes, but I think that with all the stuff that's happened over the last few months, it's all just been a lot to deal with and it's causing me to be depressed. I've been meaning to go to the doctor about it but I can't just yet.

Not to mention I was sick yesterday and today. Still am. But I'll most likely go to school tomorrow. Teacher in precal is giving us a new project, and she said that if we missed tomorrow, she's not going to explain it again. She's such a bitch. I really do hate her.

An old friend got in touch with me today. It's been years since we've talked and it was really great to talk to her. She has changed so much! But it's been four years, so that would be expected, right? I really enjoyed talking to her again, though. lol

Well, I'm exhausted and my stomach is bothering me and I have nothing more to say, so yeah. Later.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 04:24:52 GMT

Well, it's been quite...interesting.

Tony left. So Judy...is not in a good state. Which, I get to deal with. Alone now. So I'm going to get everything she's got now, because it is only me. Unfortunately, I have another year and half before I can leave this place. Unless I were to find someone else to live with, which I highly doubt is going to happen.

So I'm stuck being miserable. I'm not happy at all, other than when I'm with Ethan. Even then, I always end up screwing things up because I can't keep my negativity to myself. It's like I'm constantly battling with myself. Trying to keep busy (with school that isn't much of an issue) and keep everyone else happy.

This last time my parents were here, I think, actually, no, I know that they were hinting for me to move in with them. Not even hinting really. I don't want to move to Alabama. I want to stay here. I have plans. I'm not going to throw away everything that I want to move down there.

I'm going through so much emotionally, and I can't even begin to put it down in words because it's all so mixed up in my mind. And my mood is constantly changing. I can go from being extremely happy one second to being suddenly pissed for no reason. I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but it takes control sometimes, and after that, I'm left constantly apologizing.

I also have this...fear...I guess you could say. Actually, it is a fear. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose him. If I keep up the way that I have been, I probably will, and that thought terrifies me. Honestly, he's all that I have here. Sometimes I think that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't even still be here. That isn't a bad thing, either. In fact, he's been the one who has been my motivator. He makes me think about school, and college, and life after. He's the reason that I make myself get up each morning. The reason that I push myself in school. The reason that I'm trying.

Which brings me to the lack of self-confidence. A month ago, it wasn't so bad. Now, I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I see myself as a failure to myself and to everyone else. I feel worthless. Two weeks ago, I was seriously considering an attempt. I can't believe that I even considered it, and that I treated it as any other decision. That scares me.

I'm trying. I'm working on it.

I don't even know who I'm trying to convince. No one reads this anyway.

"The sky is calling, and the stars, they point to this."

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 08:44:44 GMT

So, today was a pretty okay day.

When I got up, I went downstairs and ate some breakfast, though it was like....3 in the afternoon. lol I dsicovered that someone finished off my cereal, and so I had to move on to a different kind. lol Then my aunt somehow got me to sit down and watch Brokeback Mountain with her. *shudders* I'm scarred for life. I never saw two men have sex before, and I didn't expect them to actually show it. Ew. I stopped watching it when they left.

Then I left not long after. lol I went over to Miesha's house and we hung out for a while. 'Twas really fun. She introduced me to her boyfriend, and he was really nice and very funny. We talked to him for a while and then took a trip to the mall so that I could get some ideas on what to get her for her birthday. Hopefully, I'll get money soon. And while I was out, I saw something that I wanted to get Ethan. Actually, I saw more than one thing, but I have to limit myself. He seems to get angry when I spend money on him. lol

Speaking of Ethan, I didn't get to talk to him today, which really sucks. I hate when I have to go without talking to him. It feels weird. I miss him like crazy, and I probably won't see him until Monday. =[[[[ I can manage, though.

Gawd, it's so hot in my room. And it's almost five in the morning and my grandma still isn't back. Outrageous, no? They didn't tell me they were going to all night bingo. Crazy people.

I am so bored, but I don't really want to go to bed yet. I don't even know why. Probably had too much caffeine, I'm sure. I've been drinking a lot of coke. I know I shouldn't. Bleh. Now I am cold. lol

I've been talking about the military with a few people who are in right now. One is in Iraq and has been there for the past 6 months. He says that joining the military was a mistake. He is on active duty. Apparently, his family died in a house fire a few months ago, and they wouldn't let him come home to attend the funeral because they said his job was more important than his family. I know that the military is important, but god! To hell with that. My family is wayyyy more important to me.

Well, gonna go. Later. =]

"And you came away with a great little story, of a mess of a dreamer, with the nerve to adore you."

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 01:39:39 GMT

With all this free time that I have, I should be able to update this daily, though I know that I won't. There is nothing interesting enough about my life that I could write everyday. lol

Well, I'm back in Indiana, of course. We didn't exactly get to leave out when we were supposed to, so I didn't get home until late. Then, Ethan sneaked out to see me. We hung out for a couple of hours, and he got caught coming back in. He was grounded and had his computer taken away, unfortunately. Somehow, in the same weekend, he got it back, and we found out that his grounding was not so bad after all and that we could still see each other.

School is still aggravating. I have a new teacher for precalculus, and I don't really like her. I'll get through, though. We have a test coming up, and since I missed a section, I should probably go over it. I also have a test in health, and I have not studied for it at all, but I'm sure it will be very easy. It's all common sense. Being a freshman class, however, really sucks. They are so immature. I was trying to think back to when I was a freshman. Was I really that bad? AP Environmental science is pretty cool this semester. We're starting off with evolution, which is just a very interesting subject in itself. We have been working with fossils, and I really like it. It's so cool to hold something that existed millions of years ago. It really is amazing. I think my favorite type of fossils (besides actual remains, of course) are petrified fossils. They can be pretty much anything, and what happens is that they take on so many minerals over time that they end up as rock. We had a piece of wood that was actually rock. It was really cool.

I'm back in band again, and it's been alright so far. Or well, actually, the first day, I didn't have an instrument. And then, they were re-auditioning for the separate bands, and I didn't re-audition. I have not played in two years, and I am not about to make a fool of myself. We sight-read music last time, and it was amazing to be playing again. I was so happy. I even had a couple of solos with the flutes, which is usually the case when I have a solo. lol Well, except in the seventh grade, when I had a solo, that really wasn't meant to be a solo. We were performing at a school program, and there were a couple of other people who had the same part that I did. But they failed to play it, and I ended up playing it all on my own. lol I guess I never really realized how much I really missed band.

Naomi is visiting this weekend. Her and grandma left earlier, and so I'm pretty much here alone. Well, my grandpa is here, but he might as well not be. He never leaves his room. lol I got bored, and I wasn't sure what to do. I took a shower and went out and picked up applications from restaurants.

Ethan isn't working this weekend, but he went hunting with Billy. That should be fun for him. I know that it is something that he enjoys. He took next weekend off, too, because he's retaking the SAT. We might actually be able to hang out next weekend, though.

It's been odd being here without my parents, and I have had a few really bad nights, but I have been doing really good these last couple of days. A conversation that I had with Ethan made me realize that I just needed to get over it and take it because I chose to do this, and I really want to be here with him. I can't imagine moving there and leaving Ethan. I don't think that I could do it. He has been really supportive and he is there when I need him. I could not ask for anyone better. He also got me motivated again about college and what I'm going to do after college. I have been looking a lot more into architecture and what different parts I might want to go into. I've been looking mostly at interior design, but I'm not ruling out anything else. Maybe I'll want to be an actual architect. I've changed what I want to do with my life so many times, but I'm sticking with this. I hope, anyway. I'm so sick of going back and forth, and I'm determined to pick something and stay with it.

I've been kind of sick lately. I don't really know what it is, or if it's anything at all. I just know that I've been feeling pretty bad. Today was a good day, though. Although, I didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm ready to pass out right now. I was in a much better mood today than usual, though.

Anyway, I think that I'm going to play a little of WoW, if I can.

"And I could spend forever hoping you'd be here with me,"

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 22:42:11 GMT

I realize that it has been a long time since I last updated. I've gone through a lot of emotional turmoil lately and I've been dealing with a lot of different things. Of course, that really isn't an excuse to neglect my blog.

I've been in Alabama for a few days, helping them get settled and everything. It's nice down here. As much as I like it here, I long to get home where I know where everything is and I can see Ethan. Being so far away from him has made me feel out of my element. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. It's like falling asleep with someone and waking up and feeling around the bed because they're not there. I don't know. I miss him so much. I leave out early tomorrow morning, and I should get there sometime tomorrow night. I'm anxious to get home. I don't think I've ever been so homesick.

Then again, I'm just going back to my grandmas. I feel like my life is going to be somewhat empty. My family was a big part of me, and taking that part out of my life leaves a lot of empty space. I imagine I'll dive into video games and watch tv a lot. Maybe I'll pick up on something new. I know I've been wanting to do yoga, and I do need to get into shape. I complain about my body a lot, so I should actually do something about it. Maybe I can pick up jogging, though I'd have to pace myself.

It doesn't hurt as much as it did. In fact, I hardly think it hurts me at all anymore. It does affect me, but it's not negative anymore. I think seeing my family so positive about this place, with the exception of Natalie, has given me a more positive outlook on the overall situation. My dad has already found work, my mom is motivated to go out and find a couple of jobs, and my dad's cousin lives right down the road.

I'm feeling pretty good now. I think I've finally found the peace that I needed. I'm okay.

"Cause I'm still trying to figure it out."

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:51:51 GMT

Meh, not a lot changes from my last update.

I spent pretty much all of the weekend worrying about this and that, wondering how everything in my life is supposed to fall into place. It's like, everything is a blurred picture, and I can't quite figure out what is what. Or maybe it's a puzzle, that I'm still struggling to piece together.

I just want so badly to crawl into a ball, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for all eternity. I wish that I could know what's in store for me. It would make my life that much easier.

I'm so uncomfortable with everything going on in my life. I'm not exactly sure where I stand. I feel like I'm not really living my life, but instead, I'm looking in at someone else living it.

Bleh, I'm not even sure where I was going with all this. It hasn't helped me. It really only made me aware of how completely lost I really am.

This is going to get me extremely depressed. I better go before I get too into it. *sigh*