"I'm losing my grip, and I'm in this thing alone."

Well, she's okay. She's back. She's talking to people. So things must be alright.

Huge relief.

Now, if I could fix myself, then everything really would be okay.

But I don't even know what's wrong with me, really. Just... everything hurts or irritates me or pisses me off. There's this constant ache in my chest and it's almost like... an empty feeling, and I can't get it to go away. No matter how many happy, fluffy things I write or read or watch, I can't get it to go away.

I've been sitting here staring at my screen for the last little while, trying to figure out what to write next, ficwise. But I can't. Which is weird, considering all of the writing I've been doing lately. I have managed to finish two fics, and I've got two more to finish.

It was nice to have that Kurtofsky fic to vent all of these feelings into. It was so angsty and I could put all of these horrible feelings into it and it was okay, because it was supposed to feel like that. I got more than a few messages about being evil and breaking hearts and making people cry. Is it bad that I'm proud of that? I mean, that's what I was going for. It was different to get messages that weren't "This is so adorable!" and "Oh my god, this is too cute!" I think I've destroyed my rep as a generally fluffy writer. Which is amusing, because I've never written fluff before fanfiction. Anything original that I've ever written is angsty.

With the exception of that haunted house story. -giggles- But I told that orally. I never wrote it down. So for all of the times that I was asked to tell it, things changed. The people in the story were never the same, I don't think. It was always fun, nonetheless. It made people laugh, and I liked that. 

A year or so ago, I stumbled across the first thing I ever wrote on a word processor. I was nine, and I guess my serial killer obsession had kicked in quite early in life because I was writing a story about one. It was titled "The Killer In Blue" and the killer was a hooded figure that hunted down my friends and I (who were, of course, high school aged in the story). I laughed the entire time I read it because I knew my crush's girlfriend was going to get killed off so that I could end up with him. Poor girl. Actually, no. Her and her friends made my eighth grade year a living hell, so fuck that. No, no. I can't say that. She apologized when we were in high school. Didn't she? Eh. My memory fails me. I know we were talking and whatnot in the couple of classes we had together. But I really can't remember if she ever apologized.

Not that it matters because I don't think I've seen her since my junior or senior year of high school. We were supposed to have Brit Lit together, but she transferred. It's funny that I'm thinking about it now, because she's kind of the reason I have this xanga account. She and her friends harassed me on my first account, so I created this one to get away from them. In middle school, we called them "The Plastics." 

Last night, I found myself wondering what high school reunions are going to be like. I wonder who will even come back for them. The ones who live in Kokomo, I'm sure. So I think I can expect to see my old groups there. You know what would be incredibly awkward? Running into Bryan. He didn't graduate the year I did, but his sister did, and he almost always showed up at her school functions. But after everything that happened, I wonder what the conversation would be like between us. Would it be awkward? Or would that spark still be there, like it always has been? 

I live in the past a lot. It feels better than living in the present most of the time, though.

I can't help but wish for my friends or to wish that my family actually felt whole and not like this broken, sinking thing that it's become. I was thinking that if I had to choose a time in my life to relive, I'd have to think about which bad thing I'd be willing to relive again.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and redo things. Not so that I'll still have something. Frankly, if I've lost a relationship at this point, it was for the best. So no, I don't want to redo anything for the sake of still having something.

There are two specific times in my life that I would like to relive, though. The spring of 2005 being a big one. One of the most painful times in my life, but I feel like I did it all wrong. If I could go back, I'd have spent more time with Mamaw and Papaw. Papaw died in May of that year, and I feel like I spent a lot of time avoiding going around there because I hated seeing him so sick. If I would have just pushed that aside and spent more time with him...

And then, of course, there's Mamaw, who died a year later. One of the things that is always going to haunt me is my cousin saying to me, "She said she wished you would have come around more often."

If I could just do those years over. -sighs-

I just hope that they realize, wherever they might be, that I love and miss them like crazy. That I cling to the memories that I do have of them, all the things that they've ever said to me. That I sit and watch the one tape we have with them on it. That I cling to every story someone tells me about them because I wish I would have known them better. That they're the people I looked up to the most in my life. That I've come to love holidays because they were so great at them. That knowing what I know now, I have a lot of respect for how great they treated my mother.

Whenever I get something good, I think it's just a matter of time before it's gone. Family, friends, lovers, places, jobs, school... everything. I'm always getting left behind. Sometimes I think it would just be better if I was alone, rather than getting so attached to things. 

This is why... when someone leaves me, I go on a huge cleaning spree. It's not just a coping mechanism. I'm trying to erase every trace of that person. I think that's why after my parents left for Bama, I fell into a depression living with my grandmother. Everything was already so spotless in her home. And my family was everywhere there. Pictures all over the place. And then when Sylvia left, well, she left quite a mess to clean. And I worked on it from the time I got home from school until I went to bed. It was like.. purging things from my life. When Ethan left. When Shane left. When Mom left.

That reminds me. I've got to make sure to call my grandmother soon. Her birthday is less than a week away. I've been needing to call her anyway. I haven't talked to her since Mom left. Today is Charlie or Logan's birthday. Then tomorrow is the other one's.

I never realized we had so many birthdays in April. Shane's baby is supposed to be coming this month, too.

You know, it's weird. I thought I was getting better. I really did. But that post from October? I still feel like that. -sighs- Someday, I'll be better. Someday, I'll have a purpose in life. I'll be happy and things will feel okay. I guess I have a little more hope than I did in October, because "someday" was too hard to think about then. I didn't feel like there was any point in the future that I'd feel okay. But I've been here before, and I pulled out of it then. If I could do it then, when I was that close to taking my own life, then I can do it now. Because I'm nowhere near doing that. Not yet. So there's still hope.

"Don't you let 'em know you're dying."

I don't know.

I don't know what to think or feel.

That wasn't something I expected to come home to. I mean, it answered things for me, but it was still unexpected. More than a little heart-breaking. I feel like I could do more. Could have done more. But what? What on earth could I do? If I could.. god, if I could, I'd drop everything and go to her. Even if it was just once. Just.. getting to hold her would be worth everything.

We knew this wasn't going to be easy.

And I don't think it's really our fault that things are so hard. I mean, not completely. It's just... our separate lives are shitty and our circumstances fucking suck. We didn't ask to fall in love with someone who lived so far away. We didn't ask for our lives to take turns for the worse. I just always thought that if we loved each other, maybe that was enough for us to make it through everything else, you know? Maybe it would make all the unbearable things bearable.

I just.

Fuck.

This scares the hell out of me.

I think I'm gonna lose her.

"I feel so locked and loaded, let me out, let me out."

Almost four months, huh? That's not unusual, is it?

Well, I was actually almost scared to write here anymore, to be honest. But right now? I don't care. This is one of the few places in the world that I actually feel like I can vent, and I'm not going to let anyone take that away from me. So, I will write what I think, what I feel, and I don't care who reads it. If you don't like it, keep it to yourself. This is my place. My one place. It's mine.

Great. Now that that's out of the way. Let's get down to business.

Christmas has come and passed, quite obviously. It was the best that could be expected, I guess. Nate was in the hospital up in Birmingham until Christmas Eve, due to a ruptured appendix. I stayed there with him for a few days or so. That week is still kind of a blur. I don't really even remember what exactly we did on Christmas Day. Did we have a dinner? I'm not sure. We had presents, thanks to the Children's Hospital in Birmingham. It was really kind of them to do what they did.

What else has happened in the last four months? Not much, honestly. Or maybe a lot. I don't know. It depends on who you talk to, I guess. Nate and Stacey had moved in here for a while, but they're living with Mom again. Or well, from what I've heard, Stacey is living with her mom because she and Nate are breaking up for good? Nate is suicidal, and that kind of breaks my heart. He feels unwanted over there, I guess. And over here? I don't know. He says no one ever talked to him over here, but he and Stacey were always hiding out. I would know. I spent an entire week outside of my bedroom for a change. I spend some days outside of my room now. I spent a lot of yesterday in the living room.

I know that all doesn't sound very impressive, but it kind of is for me. I've turned into a bit of a hermit, and I keep myself cramped up in my room. Why? I feel safe there. I don't know why, because anything can touch me and I know that, but.. I don't know. I just feel safer in my room.

It doesn't keep me from having to face the real world, though.

Things have been incredibly tough around here. Joe and Cody don't live here. Or, I don't think that Cody does. He's here off and on. I know Joe doesn't, though. It's been a lot quieter without them around. Nat is at Jason's a lot. Miah is usually at Ryan's or Dalton's. Except this weekend. He's here and Andrew has been here since yesterday, I think. I don't know. I kind of lose track. But Dad, Mona, and I are always here. 

Nat and I went job hunting two or three weeks ago? Must have been three. Or maybe even a month, actually. Geeze. We didn't hear anything back from any of them. Not much of a surprise, though. Dad suggested that I go talk to Neal and Sondra about getting a job at Mercedes. His thinking is that if they can get Cody hired back on over there, they could surely get me hired on. And honestly, they make good money over there, even if they work through a temp agency. It's an income we need, quite honestly. I mean, it'd still take us a while to get back on our feet, even with the income, but still. We could set back and eventually get the water turned back on. After we fix the stupid leak. Wherever the hell it is. I don't know. We've had the leak since... January? We haven't had water for like... a month and a half? I don't know. All the time kind of blends together and I forget when certain things happened.

But if I could get hired on at Mercedes...

Things could change for the better. 

I've just got to talk to Neal and Sondra. Which... I don't think I've talked to either of them in over a year. Funny, considering they live right down the hill. And I have to pass them every time I leave. But I don't keep tabs on them. If they wanted to talk to me, they would. If I wanted to talk to them, I would. But I need a favor now, and surely they can give me that much. We are family, after all.

Dad says that James and Austin are gonna come for a visit near the beginning of May. I'm super, super excited about this. I haven't seen James or Austin since... their wedding? I haven't even met little Luke. God, I can't wait to meet the little guy. He's over a year old now. I can hardly believe it. And god, I can't wait to see James. He's one of the most important people to me. We grew up pretty much like brother and sister. So, getting to see him is just going to be... amazing.

I think Jack and Adrienne are supposed to visit sometime during May, too. I don't really know when, but probably sometime close to Natalie's graduation. I can't believe she's going to graduate in just a couple of months. I'm so excited for her, but I really hope she goes to college. Her aid will cover her tuition. So... yeah. I hope she doesn't pass it up.

I want to go back to school. I feel like the longer I'm out, the less likely it is I'll go back. God, I hope that doesn't happen. I actually want to do something with my life, you know? My old friends are halfway through school, in some kind of position crucial to their future careers, getting married, starting families. I feel so behind. While everyone else is moving on with their lives, I feel like I haven't gone anywhere with mine. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't seem to get anywhere. I could move back to Indiana and try to get my old job back, but hell, that job really isn't worth it. It wasn't like I could live on my own with the small income I got. Of course, I could move in with my grandmother, and that wouldn't be a problem.

But I can't just leave my family here in this condition. I can't. Not knowing that things are as bad as they are. So, I have to stay. I have to stay and keep trying to find a job here. Stay until I can get them back on their feet, and then I can go.

I don't know.

Ignore me.

I've been in a weird mood and trying really hard to hold everything in. This is just the one place I can vent.

"If they don't put me away, it'll be a miracle."

Have you ever just had the feeling that you're a complete waste of space?

Sometimes you set these "marks" in the future, and they're the only thing that really keeps you sane day after day? These certain things that you look forward to, that keep you going, keep you happy?

I suppose I should feel lucky. I should be happy. There are people who are worse off, but that doesn't make everything any less emotionally taxing. It just makes me feel like shit for being upset about my life in the first place. Which only adds to the negativity, you know? 

I realize that I live in a world that's completely my own. My world, this tiny little world that focus all of my attention on, it exists either in my mind or on things that are thousands of miles away. In reality, I'm just a self-absorbed person who can't seem to muster up the energy or enthusiasm to do anything outside of her own little head. Sad to say, but it's there. I'm not going to school. I don't have a job. My relationships with the people I live with just continue to go downhill. I don't really do much of anything outside of the house. Some days I really don't leave a room.

I would say it's like treading water, but it feels more like drowning, honestly. 

I just feel like I have no purpose, you know? 

On days like this, I honestly wonder why I haven't done it yet. On days like this, I wish I hadn't thrown away the pills. Or that maybe I wasn't so afraid of physical pain that I could do something drastic enough to end it all.

Sometimes I wish that they'd stop reminding me how utterly useless I am. And then sometimes I'm glad that they do, so I don't go out and make a fool of myself with the belief that I actually could do the things I dream of.

You know what I typically see for my future, when I decide to ground myself in reality for a moment? You know that mean old teacher you had that everyone hated? The bitter one that pushed her students way too hard and repeatedly told them that they would never be good enough? The one that was completely alone, but seemed to be okay with it, and probably was better off that way? That's what I see. Maybe not even a teacher, because I couldn't manage to go to school.

Because honestly, I push everyone away. 

It's a miracle that she's still with me. A miracle that I haven't managed to fuck it up yet. But, one day, that amazing girl is going to wake up and see that I have nothing to offer her. And when she does, she'll be better off for it. She'll find someone that can give her the things that I'm not sure I ever can. Someone who will make her happy. And who will love her as much as I do. 

But... when she does... I hope she walks away knowing exactly how much I care about her. How I love the fact that she's a closet romantic, no matter how much she denies it. How she somehow hates or fears some of the things I really love. How she can go the store with a grocery list and come home with a kazoo. How she seems to think that baby animal spams can fix anything. How she actually has rules about the correct way to sneeze. How - if we're ever get to live together or near each other -if I'm sick, she'll practically quarantine me until she's sure the germs are gone. How she knows how much I hate spiders and threatens me with them. How she confuses me when we're going back and forth so that I'll get mixed up and she wins. How she can be so demanding for attention. How we keep each other up 'til the break of dawn and she always falls asleep on me. 

Oh hell, who am I kidding? I could go on forever like this if you let me. Because I seriously cannot think of a single thing I don't love about her. I love every goddamn thing about her. She's everything I've ever wanted and more. And sometimes I feel this crushing need to just be there with her. And sometimes, all I want to do is kiss her because I feel like if I did, she could feel everything I felt for her. And she could feel how all I want is for her to be happy. 

I don't know where all of this is coming from. I don't know how it went from my hopelessness to gushing about my girlfriend. 

When I sat here with the intention to write some things about how I felt, I thought I was going to write about how I hate how stupid my brother can be sometimes, or how irritated I get with my sister, or how I'm so tired of everyone talking about me like I don't have feelings or something. Like the things that I want and need don't really matter. Sometimes I just feel like a pawn. Just here to be used. 

God, what is wrong with me? I don't even know anymore. Hopefully, when I wake up, all of these things will be gone from my mind. Because right now, I just feel like curling up in a ball, crying my eyes out, and then sleeping for a million years. 

Please let tomorrow be a good day. I need it.

"Like a motion picture, this love will never end."

There's nothing really interesting right now. In fact, my character in a roleplay I do leads a much more exciting life than I do. Then again, I wouldn't trade places with him if I ever had the choice. He has it pretty hard, though things are starting to look up for him.

See that? How I'm talking about a fictional character like he's real? This has been happening since sometime in June, not long after the roleplay started. We had these characters that were already created. Characters from a television show, and we just thought it would be fun to roleplay as them. And somewhere along the way, our characters developed minds of their own, took control, and it's like we're not even writers. They are their own people.

I know. I sound crazy. But as a writer, at some point, your characters become as real to you as everyone else. When I read a book, I get so into it that everything seems almost real. And then once I'm finished, I'm in a bit of a daze because these characters are not real and they never were.

I can't explain it. It's a whole thing in itself that you could only ever truly understand if you've experienced. I don't even worry about the fact that I've got a gay teenage boy lurking inside my mind. Or a straight teenage boy as well. Oh my god, I sound completely and totally insane. I'm just going to shut up about it now.

MOVING ON

I didn't end up getting back into school. Well, I mean, I was readmitted, my residency was changed, I received grants and loans to help me pay, and I didn't get to go because I couldn't get a loan to pay for last year. So, I didn't end up going to school. So, what do I do? Nothing. I do absolutely nothing. I'm not proud of that, by the way. I spend a lot of my time on the computer talking to Weatherby. She's one of the few things that manages to keep me sane while I live here with my family. Sylvia finally moved out, but we gained two more people. I put in my application at a local store. I got an interview. I did the assessment. I got the job. And now we're waiting for the background check to go through. Then she's going to call me to start. I'm still waiting. I hate it, though. I really just want to be doing something. 

I think I've finally decided that at some point, I'm moving out west. Not California like I originally planned, but I have no doubt that I'll end up there someday. For now, Seattle is the plan. From what I've been told about it, I think it will be wonderful to live there. Then again, that could just be my beautiful girlfriend trying to talk me into moving out there. Whatever the case, my plan is to move out there. When? I'm not quite sure. A lot of things that I have to figure out first, you know?

I can't wait, though. I'm so in love with this woman. We've been together a little over two months. On one hand, it doesn't feel like it's been that long, but on the other, it feels like it's been a lifetime. I've never had a girlfriend before, and I don't believe I've ever had a long distance relationship that has lasted this long. At some point, you kind of give up. I just can't see myself ever giving up on Weatherby. I know that at some point, the distance problem is going to disappear, and we'll have a whole new chapter of our lives to focus on. For now, we're getting to know each other the best that we can, and I love every second of it. I feel like we know each other very well, but I guess we'll see what happens when we finally move in together. From what we've learned about each other, it's going to be a very interesting experience.

And I'm kind of convinced that she is the only person in the world that could really put up with my insanity 24/7. I keep it reigned in for everyone else, but I let it run free with her. Why? Because she doesn't mind it. In fact, it amuses her. Not to mention, she is just as insane as I am, if not more. I don't think she'd even resent that comment.

Ah, but I think my friend Joe and I are going to run and get something to eat, which sounds very good right now. 

Whoever might be reading this, I hope that you are well and your life is going wonderfully! :)