I'm in Alabama now. I will be until sometime in the first couple of days of July. Leaving Indiana behind was a bit harder than I believed it would be. The thought of being gone for a month. Of course, I was happy to get away from the demon children. Now, I can sleep in without being bothered. I can't really hang out with my friends (which I do, amazingly enough, have friends) until I get back. I'm away from everything that is familiar to me. Worst of all, I'm away from my boyfriend. It's only been a week since I left and we miss each other terribly.
We've been able to manage, though. Texting, IMing, web cam, phone calls. We had a problem last night, and well, I'm not going to say what it was. I've been trying to keep my mind off of it, because every time I think of it, it hurts more. I know that he had good intentions, and that he didn't mean to hurt me, but still. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Of course, it makes me extremely jealous. I don't know. I don't know if anyone could ever understand. It just completely took away my confidence and my self-esteem is really low. I just have to keep reminding myself the reasoning behind it, and hopefully, it will go away. If it had been any other guy, I would have dumped him right then and there without a second thought. That was how much it hurt me. But, Ethan is different from any other guy. I'd be lucky to find another guy that's nearly as amazing as he is. Everyone makes mistakes, and I just have to learn to accept it. Hopefully, nothing like it will ever occur again. It was quite amazing, though, that I was able to not let it get the best of me. I did not even want to talk to him. But, I did, and we're quite alright now. I just have to fix things within myself.
More than ever, though, I want to see him. Well, I want to do more than see him. But, those are things that I can't discuss on here, or anywhere for that matter. It's unbelievable that I miss him so much. I won't even see him for about 2 1/2 more weeks. Is it really 2 1/2? Somewhere around there. I counted 3 weeks from last Thursday, sooo. I wish that I could express how much I love this man. I really do. He is the most important thing in my life.
My time here actually hasn't been that bad. It's nearly summer now, which makes me happy. It seems like so much time has passed since last summer ended, and I can remember not being able to wait for school to start up again. It is funny how that works, isn't it? I am so ready for school to be out, and after a month of summer, I am ready to return to school again. Perhaps it will be that way when I have children, too.
This summer is going to be very different from previous summers. My parents live out of state, and Ethan is moving out of town. Of course, I am going to go visit my parents for a while during the summer. When I return, I'm going to be searching for a job. I would like to search and apply now, but since I am leaving for an extended period of time and I don't know exactly when I'm going to leave, it would be unwise to apply for work now. So, I will just wait until I return.
I had hoped to apply for a position at the zoo in Indianapolis this summer, but as I'm going to be gone for a while, I can't really do that, either. So today, I have to meet the women in charge of volunteers at the local animal shelter. I'm very excited about it. If there is one thing in my life that I am passionate about, it is animals.
I cut off ties with my friend Josh. I have no idea if I ever mentioned him on here, but I'm just letting everyone know that I'm not longer speaking with him. It was a hard thing to do, as he was once of my closest friends. However, his behavior and attitude toward me of late has done nothing but make me angry, and I will no longer deal with it. I don't have to. I was beginning to see the real Josh, and I didn't like what I found. I discovered that the person I thought I knew so well for the past year was a completely different person than I originally thought. Why are people so deceptive? I will never understand this. Obviously, I don't because I was just intent on being such a forgiving person. I suppose that I always put myself out there to get hurt by giving people more chances than they ever deserved. I'm done with that, though. I'm done forgiving.
Hell, I can't even find it in me to forgive Judy. And why should I? She has done nothing but caused trouble in my family for as long as I have been alive. Actually, longer. Quite honestly, I don't believe that she loves me. Sure, she said she did. I'm finding that awfully hard to believe with each passing day. She hasn't even attempted to contact me, and she has been spreading lies about me. Yes, I would love to have a grandmother in my life, but I am not about to fake a relationship with her. I'm not going to pretend that everything is okay with us.
I took the SAT on Saturday, and I am hoping that I scored well. I don't expect much, though.
There are a lot of things going on for me right now, and I will maybe tell more about them later, when I have more time. For now, I have to get out to the animal shelter.
I have a lot to say, but I'm so tired. But, I'll go into it anyway.
Last Friday I went to Indy with Ethan and RJ and had a lot of fun. We went to the mall and hung out there and then we went back to their house and just hung out. I left about ten-thirty and got home an hour later to find the door locked. Turns out, Judy went to all-night bingo with Naomi (who she was just talking so badly about earlier that day) and locked the door because she thought I had a key, even though we told her that I didn't. Well, I ended up going over to Sylvia's and finding out a bunch of stuff that she had been saying about me.
So, Judy and I got into it because my mom ended up calling and saying a bunch of stuff. We were still okay then, though. But the next night, we had another argument, in which I just exploded and told her everything that I felt about her. She couldn't take it, and she told me that I needed to move out.
So I packed up everything the next day and Ethan helped me move it over to Sylvia's. Then we ended up going over to RJ's house and hanging out there all night.
So, I've been here for a couple of days. It really isn't all that difficult to adjust to it. It's never really been hard for me to adjust to changes, but I think that with all the stuff that's happened over the last few months, it's all just been a lot to deal with and it's causing me to be depressed. I've been meaning to go to the doctor about it but I can't just yet.
Not to mention I was sick yesterday and today. Still am. But I'll most likely go to school tomorrow. Teacher in precal is giving us a new project, and she said that if we missed tomorrow, she's not going to explain it again. She's such a bitch. I really do hate her.
An old friend got in touch with me today. It's been years since we've talked and it was really great to talk to her. She has changed so much! But it's been four years, so that would be expected, right? I really enjoyed talking to her again, though. lol
Well, I'm exhausted and my stomach is bothering me and I have nothing more to say, so yeah. Later.
Tony left. So Judy...is not in a good state. Which, I get to deal with. Alone now. So I'm going to get everything she's got now, because it is only me. Unfortunately, I have another year and half before I can leave this place. Unless I were to find someone else to live with, which I highly doubt is going to happen.
So I'm stuck being miserable. I'm not happy at all, other than when I'm with Ethan. Even then, I always end up screwing things up because I can't keep my negativity to myself. It's like I'm constantly battling with myself. Trying to keep busy (with school that isn't much of an issue) and keep everyone else happy.
This last time my parents were here, I think, actually, no, I know that they were hinting for me to move in with them. Not even hinting really. I don't want to move to Alabama. I want to stay here. I have plans. I'm not going to throw away everything that I want to move down there.
I'm going through so much emotionally, and I can't even begin to put it down in words because it's all so mixed up in my mind. And my mood is constantly changing. I can go from being extremely happy one second to being suddenly pissed for no reason. I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but it takes control sometimes, and after that, I'm left constantly apologizing.
I also have this...fear...I guess you could say. Actually, it is a fear. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose him. If I keep up the way that I have been, I probably will, and that thought terrifies me. Honestly, he's all that I have here. Sometimes I think that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't even still be here. That isn't a bad thing, either. In fact, he's been the one who has been my motivator. He makes me think about school, and college, and life after. He's the reason that I make myself get up each morning. The reason that I push myself in school. The reason that I'm trying.
Which brings me to the lack of self-confidence. A month ago, it wasn't so bad. Now, I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I see myself as a failure to myself and to everyone else. I feel worthless. Two weeks ago, I was seriously considering an attempt. I can't believe that I even considered it, and that I treated it as any other decision. That scares me.
I'm trying. I'm working on it.
I don't even know who I'm trying to convince. No one reads this anyway.
"The sky is calling, and the stars, they point to this."
So, today was a pretty okay day.
When I got up, I went downstairs and ate some breakfast, though it was like....3 in the afternoon. lol I dsicovered that someone finished off my cereal, and so I had to move on to a different kind. lol Then my aunt somehow got me to sit down and watch Brokeback Mountain with her. *shudders* I'm scarred for life. I never saw two men have sex before, and I didn't expect them to actually show it. Ew. I stopped watching it when they left.
Then I left not long after. lol I went over to Miesha's house and we hung out for a while. 'Twas really fun. She introduced me to her boyfriend, and he was really nice and very funny. We talked to him for a while and then took a trip to the mall so that I could get some ideas on what to get her for her birthday. Hopefully, I'll get money soon. And while I was out, I saw something that I wanted to get Ethan. Actually, I saw more than one thing, but I have to limit myself. He seems to get angry when I spend money on him. lol
Speaking of Ethan, I didn't get to talk to him today, which really sucks. I hate when I have to go without talking to him. It feels weird. I miss him like crazy, and I probably won't see him until Monday. =[[[[ I can manage, though.
Gawd, it's so hot in my room. And it's almost five in the morning and my grandma still isn't back. Outrageous, no? They didn't tell me they were going to all night bingo. Crazy people.
I am so bored, but I don't really want to go to bed yet. I don't even know why. Probably had too much caffeine, I'm sure. I've been drinking a lot of coke. I know I shouldn't. Bleh. Now I am cold. lol
I've been talking about the military with a few people who are in right now. One is in Iraq and has been there for the past 6 months. He says that joining the military was a mistake. He is on active duty. Apparently, his family died in a house fire a few months ago, and they wouldn't let him come home to attend the funeral because they said his job was more important than his family. I know that the military is important, but god! To hell with that. My family is wayyyy more important to me.
I'm just another seventeen year old girl. I love to write, if you haven't picked that up from here already. It helps me sort the jumbled thoughts in my mind. I also love to read. I'm stuck in hell right now, but that's okay, because I know I'll be out soon. At least, I hope to be out soon. I don't know if I can go much longer here without killing someone. I don't have many friends anymore, but that happens. My best friend lives in a completely different state, and he and I rarely get to talk. Luckily, I have my boyfriend to keep me sane. We've been together for a year now, and I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I love him so much. <3
those random kisses on my forehead&the way you smile every time you see me, they
mean the world to me <3
and until you face all the mistakesyou've made, you'll never change
-Mouth McFadden, One Tree Hill
All I know is that I fell in love with you, and I've never been more frightened about anything in my entirelife.
+ The Choice.
The best feeling is listening to someone's heartbeat& knowing that its beating for nobody, but you.
Everything changes, friends become strangers.
What we hold so dear slips away.
The past keeps on fading, but I’ll never forget you.
cause i just have to tell you,
i'm not so sure what i'd do without you.
i know it's cold outside, but this late night is just
no fun without you, and i just wanted to say thanks;
you're the only reason i've smiled in days.
I don't know what it is about you,
maybe it's the way nothing else matters when we're talking,
or how you make me smile more than anyone else has.
it could be the way that you say
the exact right thing & exactly the right time
but whatever it is, i just want you to know that
it means everything to me.
