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| It's been a while since I last stayed up this late. I try not to stay up this late most night, but tonight is an exception. I am somewhat tired, but I've been thinking about quite a bit. I've also been reading up on the news. That's a habit I've developed over the course of this school year. I never cared much for the news before, but now I'm one of those people that randomly says, "Well, did you hear...?"
I graduated from therapy nearly a month ago. It felt strange that first week. During the time that it was in session, I felt like I had somewhere to be. I'd constantly look at the clock for that hour and half, knowing that therapy was going on and I was not there. It didn't matter though, because I wasn't completely giving up outside help. I was referred to a psychiatrist. However, when I went in for my scheduled appointment and they ran my insurance card, it was discovered that my insurance dropped me. I was on medicaid. I've been on medicaid for as long as I can remember. Not to mention, my parents now live out of state and I am under 18, so I am certainly eligible.
That reminds me. I turn 18 in less than two weeks. I am somewhat excited about it. Then, I can really say that I am an adult. I had hoped to move out soon after I turned 18, but all that hope is gone. I know that I won't be able to leave here until I graduate. Even then, I don't know how long it will be before I move out. Not to mention, my family can't be here for my 18th birthday, which is pretty depressing for me. I won't see them for Thanksgiving. And it's not likely that I will see them for Christmas.
Ethan and I were just talking about Thanksgiving earlier tonight. I won't be spending Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle because they are going to my grandmother's for Thanksgiving. She hates me, so I am not welcome there. She'll make a point of that by telling them "You-know-who isn't invited" loud enough to where I can hear. She probably thinks that it hurts me. Anyway, my choices this year are: go to Thanksgiving with Ethan's family or sit at home and find something to do for the night. Ethan got a bit upset with me tonight because I was debating going with his family. I understand why, but I think he also needs to understand why I feel the way I do. I haven't seen my family in two or three months. I'm not spending Thanksgiving, my birthday, or Christmas with them. I am family-oriented. I care very much about getting together with my family on holidays. I love family get-togethers. His family is great. They really are. But I lose that closeness. I can see it in everyone else, but I'm excluded from it. I am not actually a part of the family. (It's not anyone's fault. It just happens. It doesn't bother me so much, as I'm an introvert anyway.) When I see all of them together, I'm going to think of my own family and (as I often do when thinking of my family) I'm going to break down. I really don't want to start crying in front of his family. But, I don't have much choice in the matter, so I am going.
I got accepted into IUB. Even if I don't really want to go there, I'm happy that I was accepted. That gives me hope for the other colleges that I applied to.
At the moment, I can think of nothing more to say. I've been sitting here for about twenty minutes reading and posting comments on other posts while trying to come up with more for this blog, but I can think of nothing right now, so I will come back and post another time. =]
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| Alright, well, no beating around the bush. I got my wisdom teeth pulled a couple of weeks ago, and I would say that I have been doing better since. The only times that I've gotten sick within the last two weeks is when my body reacted badly to the vicodin, and last weekend when I caught my aunt's terrible cold. Therapy has been going pretty well and has helped me quite a bit. I no longer have suicidal thoughts. I have been in a much better mood lately. My therapist is talking about me graduating from the program soon. Then she says she's going to recommend me for individual therapy, which I really don't have a problem with. My weekends are the greatest. Ethan comes to visit and when we spend time together, it's absolutely amazing. I am so happy when he is here. Of course, last weekend was so great that it kept me in a great mood all throughout this week, which is pretty amazing. Tonight was just... I can't even find the words to describe it. Ethan is just so amazing. I love him with all of my heart. I am such a lucky girl to have found a man like him. My parents are back together and trying to work things out, I guess. Not much to say there, really. *sigh* I can't wait for tomorrow. It feels like I've fallen in love all over again. I think not being together during the week has definitely made us miss each other much more and appreciate our time together more. Quotes and then goodnight. =] ____________________________________________________________________________________ Quotes courtesy of wys_Quotography and SweetestSin_ox -- Should definitely check out both. They're great. =] [1] When it comes to love, you need not fall but rather surrender, surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly, you must accept yourself before you can accept flaws of another.[2]Even though a lot of things in my life are falling apart, im so happy <3 [3]Maybe it's not my weekend, But it's gonna be my year. And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere. And this is my reaction, to everything I fear, Cause I've been going crazy, I don't want to waste another minute here. [4] we could pack up and leave all our things behind. no fact, or fiction, or storyline. cause I need you more than just for tonight.[5] To this day, when everything else breaks you are the anchor that holds me. [6] To be loved. To know that there is someone out there who would give their all to only be with you, someone more than willing to share their world with you. Someone who will take your hand and hold it, and never ever would they let it go, never would they want to let you go. Someone who holds you in their arms, someone who tells you he's holding his whole entire world there at that very moment. A person who will love you with their all. To love and be loved, that is something I wish for. [7] Do you ever wish you could just freeze one second and put it into a box, and jump into it and stay there forever? I do right now. In fact, I do every time I'm with you. [8] You know what I want more than anything in the world right now? To talk to you, to be with you, this very instant. I want to sit across from you Indian style and look into your eyes and see for myself exactly how they change color in the light. I want to hold your hand in the palm of mine, and trace every line with my fingertips. [9] Every time, I think everything’s going really well. I mean, I try really hard - it all fucks up. And I think that maybe I’m just one of those people that doesn’t deserve to be happy.[10]I know the distance is a factor but I stretch as often as I can. My goal is to reach your hands any day now. Please don't blame me for trying to fix this one last time. I have a hard time as it is because I miss you, love.[11]It's there. I know it is. Because when I look at you, I can feel it.[12]Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes? Can I just feel your heart beating beside me, every night? Can we just feel this way together til the end of all time? Can I just spend my life with you?[13]How does it feel to know you're everything I need? The butterflies in my stomach, they could bring me to my knees. How does it feel to know you're everything I want? I've got a hard time saying this, so I'll sing it in a song. Oh I adore the way you carry yourself with the grace of a thousand angels overhead. I love the way the galaxy starts to melt, when we become one. How does it feel when we get locked into a stare? Please don't come looking for me when I get lost in the mess of your hair. How do you feel when everything you've known gets thrown aside? Never fear, my dear, cause we have nothing left to hide.- "So Much", The Spill Canvas[14]It's times like these. A comfortable silence. Walking hand in hand with the one you love. Everything else disappears, all that's real is here and now. You feel complete. Like nobody else can touch you, nothing could ever come close enough to ruin this. It's times like these, you're on top of the world with someone who means everything to you. Times like these, they're worth keeping in your memory forever.-mypaperairoplane[15]
And at some point I’ll call you and tell you I miss you. And tell you, you are the point of my day. And my face will get flushed and my throat will choke up when you tell me that you feel the same.
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| Hmmm. It has been a really long time.
Well, the rest of my summer? I was depressed and suicidal. I suppose I shouldn't have expected less after leaving my parents once again. I was very eager and happy to be with Ethan once again. He ended up moving to Indy not long after I returned, and we faced another week apart.
Getting back into school was hard. Teachers started giving homework right off the bat. Not to mention, I have a lot of it. So school has been majorly stressful. Our financial situation has been also. I'm the only person with a car right now and probably will be until I move out. The only money I get is money for gas. I'm currently in search for a job, though in Kokomo, getting a job would be a miracle. It's amazing how I know plenty of potheads and alcoholics that have jobs, and I can't seem to get hired on anywhere. I make very good grades, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I volunteer. What is wrong with me that they won't hire me? Meh. It's stressful.
I am currently in therapy. After my last talk about suicide, Ethan told my parents and they told my aunt. They ended up coming up to visit that weekend, and to be honest, it didn't help much. Mom and dad were constantly fighting. Nat and Nate weren't around much. Miah and I did have fun with a little science experiment involving diet coke and mentos, though. It was fun. But, I've been going to therapy for a couple (or few?) weeks now. My therapists seem to love me. I figured out early that I don't need to hide my feelings there. I can talk about everything I'm going through. I'm not sure how it helps me, but it does. Maybe it's the fact that they ask me how I feel, give me some feedback and advice, and they show sympathy for me. I usually feel pretty good when I leave.
I've been getting sick a lot more lately. I don't know what it is. It's annoying, I know that much. I've missed quite a bit of school because of it. But I know what I had last week, and what I had last time were different things. Now, my teeth are causing me problems. Sylvia is supposed to make an appointment with a dentist for me, though.
My parents are splitting up. Neither of them is really upset about it, either. They both say that they haven't really been in love with each other for a while. Both seem to be happy about it. It kind of hurts. They say they stayed together for so long because of us kids. I really wonder if it would have been better if they had split sooner. They never seemed to get along.
Ethan and I had our two year anniversary on Friday. I went down to Indy and met him at work. Then he took me to his meeting for his other job, and I just kind of wandered around campus. Then we went back to his house and looked up restaurants because he decided he no longer could eat where planned (orthodontist put a new object in his mouth, making it difficult for him to chew). So we ate at this little cajun place and I loved it. It was a very small place, they had Styrofoam plates and cups and plastic silverware, but I didn't mind at all. The food was great and I liked how it was a small place and not one of those large fancy restaurants. I really enjoyed it. We went back to his house and he packed up to spend the weekend up here and we left. I drove on the interstate for the first time ever, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He spent a little time with me at my house before going to his mom's. He told me he had to get up early to help his stepdad out, and I jokingly told him he should come over after he was done with that and sleep with me and we could shower together when we got up. Well, he did that. It was really nice, though. I loved it. After our shower, we went to a reenactment with his parents and we watched a battle. Then we went back to my house and slept and hung out for a while. We got dinner and ice cream and he went to stay at his grandmas.
Today, I got up and got int he shower and everything. Then I was working on homework and had to run out and get my aunt something from the store. I got pissed at Ethan and decided to take a walk and ended up at the park. He texted me asking me where I was at and all that and eventually found me. He kept asking me why I was upset, and for a while I wouldn't tell him. I finally told him and we argued about it for a bit, and I saw that I wasn't really being fair. I can be mad at him when he isn't around, but when he is there physically with me, it's nearly impossible to be angry with him. I don't know how he does it. I told him that what we did until he decided to go back home was up to him, but that I had hoped to watch a movie together today. He said that he could go in half an hour or that he could stay and watch the movie and still avoid rush hour. I told him that it was completely up to him. We went back and forth like that for a bit. Then we went and rented Gladiator and watched it. He left for home after that. I feel bad for acting like such a baby and getting upset with him and everything. I also feel bad for him staying longer than he had planned, because I know if I hadn't whined about it, he wouldn't have stayed. But I was happy for the extra time we got together, and enjoyed watching the movie with him.
I won't see him again until Friday, which is normal now. I definitely miss him much more now since I don't see him as often. It will be this way for quite some time. We've talked about moving in together next summer because we'll be going to the same school. I'm really excited about all of that. I know it will be weird at first, but I adjust easily. This is something that I really want. I've been looking forward to living with him. But, if he changes his mind, then that is ok, too. I know that sometimes that can be a scary step for people.
But, it's one in the morning and I've got school tomorrow. No getting out of it this time. Missed too much last week. I really need to see that dentist though, because my mouth is killing me.
Goodnight!
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| So, wow.
I'm in Alabama now. I will be until sometime in the first couple of days of July. Leaving Indiana behind was a bit harder than I believed it would be. The thought of being gone for a month. Of course, I was happy to get away from the demon children. Now, I can sleep in without being bothered. I can't really hang out with my friends (which I do, amazingly enough, have friends) until I get back. I'm away from everything that is familiar to me. Worst of all, I'm away from my boyfriend. It's only been a week since I left and we miss each other terribly.
We've been able to manage, though. Texting, IMing, web cam, phone calls. We had a problem last night, and well, I'm not going to say what it was. I've been trying to keep my mind off of it, because every time I think of it, it hurts more. I know that he had good intentions, and that he didn't mean to hurt me, but still. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Of course, it makes me extremely jealous. I don't know. I don't know if anyone could ever understand. It just completely took away my confidence and my self-esteem is really low. I just have to keep reminding myself the reasoning behind it, and hopefully, it will go away. If it had been any other guy, I would have dumped him right then and there without a second thought. That was how much it hurt me. But, Ethan is different from any other guy. I'd be lucky to find another guy that's nearly as amazing as he is. Everyone makes mistakes, and I just have to learn to accept it. Hopefully, nothing like it will ever occur again. It was quite amazing, though, that I was able to not let it get the best of me. I did not even want to talk to him. But, I did, and we're quite alright now. I just have to fix things within myself.
More than ever, though, I want to see him. Well, I want to do more than see him. But, those are things that I can't discuss on here, or anywhere for that matter. It's unbelievable that I miss him so much. I won't even see him for about 2 1/2 more weeks. Is it really 2 1/2? Somewhere around there. I counted 3 weeks from last Thursday, sooo. I wish that I could express how much I love this man. I really do. He is the most important thing in my life.
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| It has been a long time, hasn't it?
My time here actually hasn't been that bad. It's nearly summer now, which makes me happy. It seems like so much time has passed since last summer ended, and I can remember not being able to wait for school to start up again. It is funny how that works, isn't it? I am so ready for school to be out, and after a month of summer, I am ready to return to school again. Perhaps it will be that way when I have children, too.
This summer is going to be very different from previous summers. My parents live out of state, and Ethan is moving out of town. Of course, I am going to go visit my parents for a while during the summer. When I return, I'm going to be searching for a job. I would like to search and apply now, but since I am leaving for an extended period of time and I don't know exactly when I'm going to leave, it would be unwise to apply for work now. So, I will just wait until I return.
I had hoped to apply for a position at the zoo in Indianapolis this summer, but as I'm going to be gone for a while, I can't really do that, either. So today, I have to meet the women in charge of volunteers at the local animal shelter. I'm very excited about it. If there is one thing in my life that I am passionate about, it is animals.
I cut off ties with my friend Josh. I have no idea if I ever mentioned him on here, but I'm just letting everyone know that I'm not longer speaking with him. It was a hard thing to do, as he was once of my closest friends. However, his behavior and attitude toward me of late has done nothing but make me angry, and I will no longer deal with it. I don't have to. I was beginning to see the real Josh, and I didn't like what I found. I discovered that the person I thought I knew so well for the past year was a completely different person than I originally thought. Why are people so deceptive? I will never understand this. Obviously, I don't because I was just intent on being such a forgiving person. I suppose that I always put myself out there to get hurt by giving people more chances than they ever deserved. I'm done with that, though. I'm done forgiving.
Hell, I can't even find it in me to forgive Judy. And why should I? She has done nothing but caused trouble in my family for as long as I have been alive. Actually, longer. Quite honestly, I don't believe that she loves me. Sure, she said she did. I'm finding that awfully hard to believe with each passing day. She hasn't even attempted to contact me, and she has been spreading lies about me. Yes, I would love to have a grandmother in my life, but I am not about to fake a relationship with her. I'm not going to pretend that everything is okay with us.
I took the SAT on Saturday, and I am hoping that I scored well. I don't expect much, though.
There are a lot of things going on for me right now, and I will maybe tell more about them later, when I have more time. For now, I have to get out to the animal shelter.
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take me as i am ©
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I'm just another seventeen year old girl. I love to write, if you haven't picked that up from here already. It helps me sort the jumbled thoughts in my mind. I also love to read. I'm stuck in hell right now, but that's okay, because I know I'll be out soon. At least, I hope to be out soon. I don't know if I can go much longer here without killing someone. I don't have many friends anymore, but that happens. My best friend lives in a completely different state, and he and I rarely get to talk. Luckily, I have my boyfriend to keep me sane. We've been together for two years now, and I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. I love him so much. <3
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just for you ©
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those random kisses on my forehead
& the way you smile every time you see me, they
mean the world to me <3
and until you face all the mistakes
you've made, you'll never change
-Mouth McFadden, One Tree Hill
All I know is that I fell in love with you, and I've never been more frightened about anything in my entire life.
+ The Choice.
The best feeling is listening to someone's heartbeat
& knowing that its beating for nobody, but you.
Everything changes, friends become strangers.
What we hold so dear slips away.
The past keeps on fading, but I’ll never forget you.
cause i just have to tell you,
i'm not so sure what i'd do without you.
i know it's cold outside, but this late night is just
no fun without you, and i just wanted to say thanks;
you're the only reason i've smiled in days.
I don't know what it is about you,
maybe it's the way nothing else matters when we're talking,
or how you make me smile more than anyone else has.
it could be the way that you say
the exact right thing & exactly the right time
but whatever it is, i just want you to know that
it means everything to me.
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make some noise ©
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Emma Says ©
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all you have to do is dream.
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